a day in the life of amanda jane

my dear, sweet valentines

2012-02-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

my dear, sweet valentines.

I’ll be very happy
If you’ll be my Valentine;
You’ll fill my heart with joy,
And my day with bright sunshine!

By Joanna Fuchs

i was blessed with 2 sweethearts.

they are the best gift my husband has ever given me.

they are truly my sunshine.

one is 5

and the other is 3.

my husband jokes about valentines day. he believes we should show some extra love all year round. i couldn't agree more.

my goal is to show these two how much they are loved every day of the year.

nico & g,i love you both very much.you are two of the most special valentines i could ask for. one of the things i love most about you is the way you love each other. i get such joy out of watching you play together. i am proud of the way you take care of each other. stay sweet. love always, mom xoxo

danielle: a strength you didn't know you had

2012-01-16T14:39:00.000-08:00

sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you find yourself in a situation you never thought you would be in. you are forced to dig deep and find a strength you might not have known was there.

my friend danielle is traveling down a road she never imagined being on. her strength and courageous spirit inspire me. she digs deep and continues to move forward because of 2 very special reasons:

reason #1

reason #2

i can only imagine how many times you might have heard the saying: "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." i can also imagine there are some days you would like to have those lemons with tequila and salt. that is part of the cycle, i suppose.

this image tells a story

my friend, i admire your tenacious spirit. you have endured a truly difficult experience. you are independent. you are beautiful. these last few months have been challenging but you have dug down and found a strength deep inside. you will get through this. continue to be the woman your boys can be proud of.

typical brothers... i love how this picture captures the big brother vs little brother

these boys love their mama <3

danielle, you are an amazing mother to your boys. they think you hung the moon. i enjoyed our afternoon together and had such a great time with all 3 of you. i look forward to hanging out with you again very soon. xox, aj

Chapter 11: on again; off again

2012-01-04T22:15:00.000-08:00

october 21,2011

I remained in contact via email with both the dermatologist and my rheumatologist for several weeks. on the 21st of october i checked in with my rheumatologist to let him know my rash had completely cleared up, only some mild dry skin was left. the only thing that lingered was some moderate pain and swelling in my hands. the doctor suggested i taper off the prednisone gradually - at a rate of 2.5 mg per week and check back in with him in another 2 weeks. he wanted to see how my body would react to going off the steroid. i could do that. for the most part, i was feeling better physically. the rest of my body felt decent. not great but i was getting by alright. besides, i had a busy couple of months coming up. the holidays were approaching and my calendar was booking up. i decided to concentrate on that and hoped my body would cooperate.

fast forward to early november. i emailed my rheumatologist as directed. there was not any real change in my condition. i had aches and pains all over. somedays i felt better than others. i was finding ways to get around the pain. simple things like opening a jelly jar was torture for my hands. doing the dishes was difficult; often times I had no grip to hold heavy objects. my kids stepped up and helped me with a lot of things. they understood mommy didn't feel well and they knew they had to help me. waves of guilt washed over me sometimes. was it bad that my kiddos had to help me? or was this a life lesson in compassion for them? i guess it depended on the day and how i was feeling as to how i might answer that question.

early in the morning on november 14 i made a quick trip to los angeles. literally, i drove up there and walked into the office of my rheumatologist. ten minutes later i was finished and in the car, driving back home. they took my blood. took my $20 copay and that was it. this was the first time i started to question my sanity. is it worth all of this? should I find a doctor closer to home? no. i was doing the right thing. i think.

a couple days later i received an email from the doctor. my labs looked good. there was no sign of inflammation. he advised me to begin tapering off the prednisone. take 10mg a day for 10 days then go down to 5mg a day for 5 days. on again; off again. whatever it took. i tried to remain positive. always putting on a smiley face. my friend has a saying: "fake it 'til you make it." it played in my head quite often; i wanted to tattoo it to my forehead. when i meet up with friends and family, they looked at me differently now. "poor amanda" was written on their faces. i didn't want that. i didn't like that and i was determined to prove to them i could get through this. remember, i'm strong! additionally, i was determined not to let this sickness define me. it was getting tough. i was trying desperately to hold it together. be the best mom i could be to my kids, be an attentive and loving wife. continue working my part-time job as a dispatcher. scheduling photo shoots during the busiest time of the year. i really think part of me hoped that if i ignored the pain, it would simply go away. i was wrong. every day i woke up to the same feeling and the same pit in my stomach. it hurt to lift the covers off my body to get out of bed. i knew it was going to be a tough day when i was unable to button my daughter's jeans. my morning routine started off with a hot shower, some light stretching, a huge pot of coffee and medication down the hatch. mentally i went into "f-ck it!" mode. i didn't care what i ate or how much i ate. food was my antidepressant and i liked it. it tasted good.

november 23 - i emailed my rheumatologist to update him. again, my biggest complaint was pain, swelling and tenderness in my hands and wrists. my doctor suggested i see an orthopedist. i agreed. there was a doctor in orange that I had seen a couple years ago when i dealt with carpal tunnel. he was nice enough. he had helped me back then, maybe he could help me now. the mornings were the worst. i would wake up with stiff hands and swollen wrists. try getting up at 4am to go into work where I was expected to type for 12 hours. it was proving to be a challenge. i was ingesting up to 2400mg of advil just to try to take the edge off the pain. i knew this wasn't right. i also felt pressure to continue to work. my family needed me to contribute for financial reasons. i also felt a commitment to my employer and the other employees i work with. they are in dire need for employees to help cover shifts. everyone has a story, mine was no different. i just sucked it up and pushed through.

december 12- i drove to orange for my orthopedist appointment. he was as friendly and helpful as i remember him being. he sat patiently and listened to my story as i brought him up to date. he concluded that my problem is systemic.

"i'm sorry. there is not a surgery or anything i can do to fix you. since there are numerous joints affected, your problem is systemic and i believe we are dealing with an autoimmune problem here." he explained. "your body is telling us what we need to know without having to do blood work. your joints - especially your hands- are visibly swollen. you need to go back on prednisone but i'm worried about your stomach." he continued "taking all these medications and 2400mg advil is going to blow a hole in your stomach. i need to give you something for that too."

"ok."I said.

"i know you like your doctor in LA but i'd like you to find someone closer. i can give you some referrals." I got a little defensive when he mentioned this. i didn't want to find anyone closer. i like my doctor; he is on my team but I tried to remember to keep an open mind. i took the information, thanked him for his time then left his office.

i walked to my car, called my husband and broke down crying. this sucked. i was hoping for different news from the orthopedist. i did not want to go back on the steroids. most of all i did not want to be in pain anymore. with everything going on i had abandoned my gluten-free diet and was eating like a pig. i was also in too much pain for even moderate exercise. all of this contributed to my mood continuing a downward spiral. my husband talked me off the ledge and calmed me down.

once calm and collected, i sat in the parking lot and dialed the 2 referral numbers the orthopedist had given me. the first doctor did not accept my insurance. the second one was not taking any new patients. there was my answer. i figured this was a sign that i needed to stick with my rheumatologist in los angeles.

the first thing i did when i got home was email my rheumatologist and let him know what had happened. he emailed me back immediately. i love people who communicate. he is a communicator. another sign that i needed to stay with him.

a mother's love

2012-01-03T22:51:00.000-08:00

a mother's love.

this mother is tough.
this mother is strong.
this mother has a huge soft spot for her two kiddos.
how could she not? they adore her. (as they should.) and she lives for them.

watching this woman with her children was incredible. spending an afternoon with them was FUN!

i felt their connection - deep in my core.

it made me want to be a part of their little club.

i found this poem and it reminded me of you, holly:

a mother's love:

a mother's love is something

that no one can explain,

it is made of deep devotion

and of sacrifice and pain,

it is endless and unselfish

and enduring come what may

for nothing can destroy it

or take that love away...

it is patient and forgiving

when all others are forsaking,

and it never fails or falters

even though the heart is breaking...

it believes beyond believing

when the world around condemns

and it glows with all the beauty

of the rarest, brightest gems...

it is far beyond defining,

it defies all explanation,

and it still remains a secret

like the mysteries of creation...

a many splendored miracle

man cannot understand

and another wondrous evidence

of God's tender guiding hand.

photo taken by Dina Conover

i loved being a part of your three-some for an afternoon.

i can't help but smile every time i see you since our time together and a hug is always required. (even you, liam!)

they have burrowed a special place in my heart. i laughed so hard with them; belly laughed so hard that i almost peed my pants a couple of times.

my good friend, dina conover and her daughter allie-cat were with us for this comedy hour. you can see some of dina's handy work above.

i didn't want our time together to end. can we do it again soon? (bailey is probably nodding her head "yes" & holly is rolling her eyes at me- she hates having her picture taken)

holly, bailey & liam - thank you for letting me capture these moments with you. i enjoyed every minute and look forward to when we can laugh together again. i will never look atthe mcdonald's mcrib sandwich the same way. nor will i be able to go back to this spot for a shoot and not stop to remember what an incredible honor it was to be with you that day.

i love what we captured and i smile every time i look at your images. i hope you do, too.

lots of love to you, xox amanda jane

chapter 10: i think you've had a drug eruption

2012-01-03T00:50:00.000-08:00

october 2011

we arrived at the dermatologist office in downtown beverly hills. the building had an antiqued look to it but inside the doctor's office was completely the opposite. the floors, walls and even some of the furniture were white marble. very cool,crisp and clean. my husband and i exchanged glances: "wow!" with our eye brows raised. no wonder they didn't accept insurance; this was a cash-only establishment. of course it was, because everyone in beverly hills can pay cash for their dermatologist. right?

not a great quality photo, but you get the idea ...

the staff was friendly. the knew who i was and advised me the doctor was expecting me. i couldn't help but notice a silly looking cardboard cutout of a man who i assumed was the dermatologist. this matched the metallic sculpture of him hanging on the wall. i hadn't even met the man and i knew i was going to like him. there was no way he could take himself too seriously.

the nurse called me back to one of the exam rooms and my husband followed me.

"the doctor will be right with you." she said and left us alone - but only for a short time. soon there was a loud, boisterous male voice on the other side of the door.

"well hello there! you must be amanda." his voice boomed and he walked in. in front of me stood a short, older gentleman with silver hair and a matching mustache that stuck out 6 inches on either side of his mouth. you could see it required a lot of goop to make it stand straight out like that. his white lab coat was long sleeve and went down below his knees. to top it all off, he wore a magnifying glass headset with a lens visor and small light attached. when the magnifying glasses were pulled down over his eyes, it looked as though he was staring at me through a pair of coke bottles. i let out a little giggle and he smiled. clearly, this was not the first time he'd had this same reaction.

i got right down to business. he was a doctor; a busy man who had "squeezed" me in so i did not want to waste his time. i started reading off my notes and the doctor held his hand out.

"wait a minute. wait a minute.... I am the doctor. YOU are the patient. It is MY job to rush YOU. Not the other way around." i looked up at him and he had this sarcastic smirk on his face. he turned to my husband "she does this at home, doesn't she?" my husband just started laughing and shook his head.

"sorry." i took a deep breath and relaxed as the dermatologist asked me one question at a time. he listened carefully and made notes on a piece of paper. he paid particular attention to the medications i had been taking and dates i listed when certain signs/symptoms showed up.

all of the sudden he opened the door to the exam room. "nurse!" he voice boomed. "get me my drug book and the digital camera." he closed the door and was with us again.

"now don't ever look in this drug book. it will scare you to death. you won't even want to drink water from the fountain by the time you're done reading it." he joked. my husband sat in the corner and continued laughing. the dermatologist looked up 2 of the drugs i had been taking since august.
"you're on 2 sulfur drugs and you've just been to the airshow for an intense dose of sunlight. i think you might be having a drug eruption." he stated simply. "i don't think we need to biopsy the rash, i think we need to change your medications."

the door opened again. "nurse!" he called. "get me danny on the phone." it made me smile that he referred to my rheumatologist by his first name. clearly they were friends and i liked that. i wanted us all to be on the same page.

a few seconds later the phone rang in our exam room. the dermatologist put "danny" on speaker so we could hear what was said. they both agreed that i might be having a severe allergic reaction from taking the 2 sulfur drugs combined with sunlight sensitivity. they agreed that a biopsy did not need to be done at this time (thank goodness because i was NOT looking forward to that!) they decided to alter my medications as well as put me on benadryl, give me topical cream for my face, a steroid spray for the rest of my body and call it a day. it sounded like a solid plan. i was happy to be off 2 of my 3 medications.

"now i'd like to take a few photos of this rash. that way we can see how it progresses if/when you return for another visit." the dermatologist fidgeted with a small 35mm digital camera. "i hate these darn things. they never work quite right." he mumbled. click-click.

"blurry." click-click.

"blurry." he frowned. click-click.

"they're all blurry. damn thing.... NURSE!" he called out the door one last time. "i need a little help in here with this camera." i couldn't help it anymore. i started laughing out loud. it was as if we were in a cartoon and he played the main character. but i liked him. i really liked him. he knew what he was doing - except for the digital camera thing - and i trusted him. that is what was important: i TRUSTED him. at least he would get this rash figured out and make it go away.

"i've got something i'd like to ask you about." i said.

"shoot." he answered.

"my family is spending a week at the beach in carlsbad. what kind of precaution do i need to take while i am there?" i asked.

"you, my dear" he began "are going to be the lady on the beach wearing 30 SPF, a very large brimmed hat and are going to be covered head to toe with clothing while sitting under an umbrella." he was so close to me now that the magnifying glasses made his eyes look enormous and his mustache practically poked my cheek.

"i can do that." i answered. i was just relieved that i'd still be able to go and have fun with my kids and family.

"alright. it's been nice meeting you." he stuck out his little hand for a shake and smiled. "you take care of yourself and i will call you in a couple days to see how you are doing."

"great. thank you so much. i look forward to hearing from you." i said and i meant it. secretly, i hoped this wouldn't be my last visit to his office.

the dermatologist called me a couple days after my visit just as he said he would. he was pleased with my progress. words cannot describe how reassuring it was to have a doctor follow up with me. it made me feel as though i mattered. as though my "case" mattered to him. i appreciated that so much and again, was confident that i had found not only 1 good doctor but 2. the rheumatologist and dermatologist friends were on my team and that made me feel confident.

the following week my family and i went out of town to the beach and we had a wonderful time. the weather was cool and overcast - perfect for wearing long sleeves, pants and a large brimmed hat. i took the allergy medication and used the spray and creams as instructed. within a few days the rash had stopped spreading and began to clear up. no longer did i have the intense burning from inside out. this gave me some mental relief. we had conquered the rash, now let's get on with the rest of this mess. i was confident we would get answers, i just didn't know when or how long it would take. and remember, patience is something i am being challenged on.

the best compliment: tell a friend or 3

2011-12-29T22:55:00.000-08:00

the best compliment i could ever receive when it comes to my photography is for someone to refer a friend. i was lucky enough to experience this during the holiday season. i was also lucky enough to meet a group of amazing new families that i can now call my friends.

this all started with my friend, marisa and her family. i blogged about her and their adoption adventure in october. marisa's son plays baseball and she spoke about our session with a couple of the other moms. i remember her telling me: "i hope it's ok, i gave your number to some of the baseball moms on cameron's team." ok? ok?? are you kidding?!! thank you SO much! about a week later kim called.

marisa & family

friend #1

"hi my name is kim, i am a friend of marisa's. we saw her pictures and were wondering if you would do some for our family." my heart raced. this was such an honor. these people were calling me to do their pictures! i jumped at the opportunity. i liked kim immediately. when we met for our session together i instantly warmed to both her children. it turns out her husband i knew some of the people from high school. such a small world!

kim & dean

such a fun family to hang with for the afternoon!

kim and you family - you all were so great! so patient and willing to do whatever i asked of you. the best part of the day for me was when kim told me about how they used to go to an indoor studio for their photos. she said "not anymore. this was way better!" i love that our time together was as fun for you as it was for me! i look forward to another fun afternoon with you and your family soon. XO

these kiddos were such fun and i loved every minute with them

friend #2

about a day or so later, my phone rang again and it was michelle. she explained how she knew marisa and kim and wanted to know if i would do pictures for her. this was awesome! i was overjoyed and excited to get her family a spot on my calendar. the weather in november was a little soggy, but we managed to sneak in an afternoon session at the galleano winery in mira loma.

brock is a heart-breaker in training

michelle & family - thank you for chancing that rainy afternoon with me. we had a great time, didn't we? i am so glad we were able to meet. i had a wonderful time with all of you. brock - you're such a good sport; always willing to pose and be the perfect model. morgan - your sass is super. i love it and i love that we captured some of it in our pictures. wishing you all a wonderful 2012 and i am hopeful i get to see you soon. XO

check out miss morgan, she is all sass

friend #3

that same week i heard from devin. she was part of the baseball crew and wanted in on a photo session. i was in heaven. i could not have asked for a more beautiful family. mom and dad are gorgeous and have 3 adorable boys that kept myself and my assistant, sandra on our toes. they even brought their two grandmas in for some of the fun.

when do parents with 3 boys ever get any time alone? rarely.

this little angel playing peek-a-boo

a striking couple - they were sure to have handsome boys!

devin and family - you all were incredible to photograph. thank you for giving me the opportunity.
i loved what we captured for your family. your boys are all so handsome and were such good sports during our time together. the two grandmas were super cool to hang out with, too. these boys are lucky to have some strong women in their lives and a really cool dad. hope the new year is good to you and hope to see all of you real soon. XO

such a cutie - i had to showcase his shiner. it's what being a boy is all about!

these boys have two of the coolest grandmas around!

i was fortunate enough to have had a busy holiday season for photo sessions. these are only a couple of the sessions and more will be posted in the coming weeks. in addition to the photo sessions that were scheduled, the best part of the holidays was seeing the cards come in the mailbox with pictures i had taken. what an experience. i loved every one of them! XO aj

Bledstein Family: In Between Raindrops

2011-11-18T05:52:00.001-08:00

bledstein family: in between raindrops

this weather has been crazy but i love it. the cool fall weather and rain actually make southern california feel like we are experiencing some seasons. yay!!

my friend and her family took a chance with me and we danced in between raindrops one afternoon. i am so glad we did. we had a blast and captured some great shots.

the morning we were supposed to meet, it was pouring rain. we kept in contact all afternoon and had our fingers crossed that the clouds would part - even if just for a little while. about an hour before we were scheduled to meet i called my friend: "do you want to meet? i asked her. "i'll leave it up to you."

by then it was lightly sprinkling. she lived close to where we were going to shoot pictures.

"it is clear here. let's go for it!" she said.

she was right. the sprinkling stopped just as i pulled up and parked to meet her. i could not believe it. the clouds gave us some great cover and we set off for a walk with her family.

everything about our surroundings screamed: FALL! the colors, the crisp smell of rain and wet leaves on the trees.

it was perfect.

the whole family

i love this shot of the girls playing in the tunnel

emily and family: thank you. i loved everything about our time together that afternoon. i loved your girls' spirits.

i loved your willingness to dance between raindrops with me. i loved the opportunity to capture some fun memories for your family and i look forward to our time together again.

xoxo amanda jane

chapter 9: you might be a leper if....

2011-11-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

the weekend came and i felt confident. i was feeling pretty good, physically - better than a couple months ago- i was just tired. exhausted, actually but i had to push through. i had things to do. places to go and people to see. most importantly, my family. my son had turned 5 and we had family coming over for dinner to celebrate. i also had a couple of photo shoots scheduled that i was excited about. lots to look forward to and no time to feel "ick."

the rash progressed. it became a fiery hot mess. every time i stepped outside i could literally feel myself burning. it felt like i was burning from the inside out. i would have to step into the shade if i was out in the sunlight. it didn't matter if the temperature was up or not; my internal thermometer was on a constant BOIL. this made outdoor activities very uncomfortable. the weather was still quite warm but i came to the conclusion that i would have to cover up: jeans, long sleeve (light weight/ breath-able cotton) shirts,with socks and closed-toe shoes.

the rash began on my hands and feet - specifically my knuckles and between my toes. it also covered my torso, back and face. it showed up in red welts -almost like someone had laid a piece of red lace over my white skin and you could see through it. i felt like a leper. it was spreading and by monday of that week was beginning to itch.
again, i called my lupus doctor in los angeles who recommended increasing my prednisone and using a benadryl cream on the itchy sections of the rash. what they didn't understand, or maybe i didn't convey well enough was that my ENTIRE body itched. from the inside-out.

by mid-week my pulse raced sporadically and my heart pounded in my chest. occasionally i had to stop what i was doing, close my eyes and take a deep breath - in through the nose and out through the mouth. just like in yoga. while breathing slowly, i counted to ten and brought my heart rate back down.
this cannot be right. what is going on? i wondered. only 2 more days until i returned to see my lupus doctor. i had also begun a diary of-sorts. i had printed up a calendar to make notes on each day as i experienced different symptoms. this would make it easier for me to give my doctor specifics about my condition.

my skin had began to peel - in the places where it had been red and welty before. [gross alert!] i could feel the rash on the inside of my mouth. along the inside of my top lip, the skin was raw as it scraped against my teeth. my neck looked like a fiery, red lizard. it was scaly. boy, did it itch. i restrained from digging my fingernails into that fresh skin and grading it up.

october 14th - the day of my follow up appointment with the lupus doctor in los angeles. once again, grandma was gracious enough to take care of our kiddos. my hubby and i made the trek in to los angeles.
we arrived early for my appointment and were immediately called into the doctor's office.
"have a seat and the doctor will be right in." said his assistant, motioning to the 2 chairs facing a large desk.
my husband and i each took a seat. we exchanged glances. i raised my eyebrows to him as if to ask: "i wonder what's going on?" and he shrugged his shoulders as if to answer:"i don't know."
a few minutes later the doctor walked in.
"hello, amanda." he said walking over to sit down but before i could answer he continued "i am perplexed."
"perplexed?" i asked.
"i am perplexed by you." once again my husband and i exchanged glances (him:huh?/ me:i dunno)
"okay.....?" i questioned.
"all of your tests have returned negative. your EKG looks great. your chest x-ray was clear and your blood work is negative." he explained. "i do not want to diagnose you as having lupus because it could create problems for you down the road. problems with life insurance, mortgage insurance etc."
oh gosh... i became worried. i hadn't even thought about that! i panicked slightly but kept listening to what he was saying. the whole time he talked, i scribbled notes on a piece of paper and he stared at me. well kind of... he was staring at my chest. any other time, i would've stopped him and told him to look me in the eyes while talking to me. this time was different.
"let me see you hands." he said. i stretched my arms across his desk."if i were to diagnose you simply by looking at you, i would tell you that you have lupus. clearly there is an autoimmune problem going on here." and he motioned at my hands, neck and chest. he sat quietly for a moment looking at me. not really looking at me, but thinking about what to do with me.
"i want a dermatologist to biopsy that rash you have." i shuttered at those words. it sounded like it would be painful and i have always associated the word "biopsy" with cancer.
" if i can get you an appointment with a dermatologist today, are you able to go see him?"
"yes." both my husband and i nodded our heads.
the doctor got up and left the office. ten minutes later he returned with the name, address and driving directions to his dermatologist.
he handed me the paperwork. "here's the information. he said he can see you in 20 minutes."
just like that, we were off to beverly hills. the office was barely 4 miles away but it took us all 20 minutes to get over there with the crazy traffic. there was some good people watching along the way. los angeles - especially beverly hills - is awesome reality tv. i tried not to be self conscious about not wearing make up. normally i put my face on when i go out,but i had wanted the doctor to be able to see the rash clearly for my appointment. now looking at all these beautiful, plastic people around me i wished i had at least put on some mascara. i reached into my purse for some lip gloss. that would make me feel better.

Pick Your Own Pumpkin Patch

2011-11-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

pick your own pumpkin patch. i was hoping to find one this year and a friend turned me onto a great local farm. i have vivid memories of picking my own pumpkin as a kid. wandering through a huge, open patch and finding just the right pumpkin to carve for halloween. i wanted to give my kiddos that same experience and make some memories with them.

i loaded up my kiddos and some of their buddies joined us. we headed over to corona pumpkin farm and had an adventure. if you take a drive over the hill off cajalco parkway to gavilan road, the farm is up on the hill. it is family-owned and i was thrilled to find it. this is exactly what i had envisioned. along the way we discovered another small farm off of el sobrante road with not only pumpkins, but all kinds of fresh vegetables. the kids loved it. my friend and i enjoyed vine ripened tomatoes, cucumbers, avocados and squash. i can't wait to go back. the farm is open year round. if the farmer is not at the location, he works on an "honor system." this made me love the farm even more. you can take whatever yummy goodies you'd like and leave your money in the mailbox.

we took this opportunity to dress up for the occasion - ok, well the girls loved that we wanted to dress them up and use this outing as an opportunity for more thematic photos. who doesn't need sparkle shoes and a tutu for the pumpkin patch??? i wish i had one to wear. my friend from tutulew's tutu's made gianna's halloween themed tutu and she wore that thing everywhere. gianna also had black fairy wings that her bff, emma wore. too cute! love these girls. (note: you will see my girl in many different tutus, she loves to wear them every day of the week. it's a good thing i've got a friend in the business.)

it was a warm - no, let me be honest - it was a HOT october afternoon with temperatures so high that it felt like we were picking pumpkins in the middle of summer. the kids didn't mind. they were content to run around the farm and explore. the farmer was so helpful. he talked with them about when the pumpkins are planted, how they grow and the different varieties of pumpkins. he also told us green pumpkins make the best tasting pies!

the corona pumpkin farm offers a variety of small animals for the kids to pet. this was a great educational experience for them. my little girl couldn't get enough of the baby chicks. she kept picking them up - usually by their head. i must have said: "be gentle. don't squeeze the chicks" 500 times. it's all part of the adventure, right? (no baby chicks were harmed during our adventure.) and this how my little people are going to learn.

don't you love her glasses?

my littles at corona pumpkin patch

i was really excited about our pumpkin adventure. we had fun with our friends. we picked our own pumpkins right out of the patch. and we supported a local business right here in the community where we live. yep, that's pretty awesome. we look forward to our return to the farm. i hear they'll be growing blackberries soon... YUM!

teper family: there is more than one way to create a family

2011-10-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

there is more than one way to create a family. adoption is one of the ways families are created. adoption is the legal process that allows someone to become a parent of a child,even though they may not related by blood. in reality, adoption is much,much more.

opening your heart and your home to a child is one of the most generous things anyone could ever do. the teper family is hoping for the opportunity. they are on the bumpy and often emotional roller coaster ride known as adoption. they are opening themselves and their family up and hoping for a chance to expand their crew.

being a parent is a self-less career. parenting (good parenting) requires your full attention, full-time. the demand of children can be all-consuming, but SO worth it. being a parent is also one of the most amazing privileges you commit to. as a parent you witness small miracles every day.

marisa told me about their decision to adopt. she told me her family has to assemble a profile and package for prospective parents to look at. the package needs to tell their story and express why they want to adopt a child. pictures should be included in their packet. we set a date, got her man and her son together at the park and shot some pictures.

my wish is for the teper family to be selected for an adoption - soon. my wish is for the prospective parent to see what a loving and warm environment their baby could be raised in. these 3 have a strong bond and would be delighted to make their crew a family of 4.
dave works hard to provide a good life for his family. marisa is a full-time, hands-on mom who helps coach her son's baseball team. cameron is a quiet boy, incredibly intelligent and kind. he will be a terrific big brother. any child will be blessed to grow up in their home and be protected by their hearts. good luck to all of you this journey. xox aj

my boy turned 5

2011-10-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

5 years old!

my boy turned 5 at the beginning of the month. where has the time gone? when he was a baby - and he was my first - i used to sit and watch him all day. my husband would come home from work and ask how my day was/ what did i do? my answer: "i sat and stared at our son." watching him was the best reality tv show there was. and it still is.

his personality is interesting. i love seeing how he is growing, changing and finding himself. his journey is starting out in this big world and he has a long road ahead. i pray that his father and i are teaching him the right tools, giving him enough strength and offering the love he needs to grow into a good man.

this boy has traits and characteristics from both my husband and i. i am a little biased, but i think he is quite handsome. :) he is smart. he is sweet. he is sensitive. he loves his mama and is a good big brother to his little sister. don't get me wrong, they fight and bicker like the best of them, but that is part of the game when you have siblings. that is WHY you have siblings, right? to learn how to deal with people. he is learning to deal - every day.

doing his homework. he loves to do homework. fingers crossed that doesn't change.

nico and his cousin playing their video games. notice he cannot tear his eyes away from the screen even to have a quick photo taken.

in our house, birthdays are special. they are special because of who and what we are celebrating. my goal as a mother is to make sure my kiddos know i love them and am here to support them. i use their birthdays as a way to show them how grateful we are for the day that they were born.

my husband believes it's important to show each other how special they are every day of the year - not just one day. my husband and i also feel strongly that it is easy for children to get a warped sense of what a birthday party is all about. too often these days it is about the presents and material possessions. like when i was growing up, we have an every-other-year rule in our home. we do not host a huge party each time one of us celebrates a birthday. last year was my son's turn to have a party and he invited a handful of his friends over for an afternoon of fun and games. this year he did not have huge, over-the-top celebration.

we took cupcakes to school for his classmates and made little goodie bags with some treats for them. he got to wear a birthday crown at school and be the line-leader (hey, that's a big deal at preschool.)

uncle brian enjoying some homemade pizza - YUMMY!

we also invited our immediate family over for a fun night of homemade pizza making and wii video games. my son was in heaven. he was surrounded by those who love him and he got to play his favorite video game. what more could a 5 year old want -right? this also gave the rest of our family a chance to have an evening together. that is always a good thing.

make a wish!

nico, i wish you a very happy birthday. i hope you enjoyed your day and know that everyone who was here to celebrate with us loves you very much. i am proud of you and what an amazing young man you are turning into.

happy birthday, son. i love you!! xoxo

chapter 7: here comes the sun

2011-10-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

"here comes the sun. little darling"

"here comes the sun. and i say: it's alright...."

we had a great day at the air show. everyone was worn out; hot, sweaty and tired by the time we got home but it was a good day. a fun day.

less than 24 hours later i knew something had changed. the burning in my chest was constant, now combined with a warmth in my throat. a few of my smaller joints (wrists & fingers) along with my neck and shoulders were irritated and sore. the pinkie finger on my left hand and the big toe on my left foot presented a slight red, bumpy rash. by the following day there was a rosy, red rash on both hands, my neck, chest, trunk and lips. the rash was not uncomfortable but it was not attractive. additionally i was experiencing heart palpitations and a rapid pulse rate.

it should also be noted here that i had called my original rheumatologist two times and left 2 separate messages. i explained in my messages why i had called and expressed concern about some side affects from the medication he had prescribed. no callback was ever received.

finally on thursday, october 6 the rash now covered my face: nose & cheeks, ears, it was inside of my mouth and made it difficult to swallow food. my lips and hands were dried, cracked and bleeding in some spots. the burning in my chest was constant and fierce. i knew something was wrong and i was scared. a 3rd and final phone message was left with my original doctor. at the urging of my mother, i called the lupus doctor in los angeles. i had not been seen by this doctor yet but had an appointment with him for the following day. i was desperate and dialed his office number. his staff answered and immediately transferred me to his assistant. when she answered,i could not believe it! i was talking to a real, live human being. i explained to her what was happening and asked what they could recommend.

"legally, we are not supposed to give medical advice to someone over the phone who has not been examined by the doctor." the assistant explained.

"i understand." i sighed and hung my head.

"but... if you were our patient, we would suggest you take 60mg of prednisone, use cortisone cream sparingly and we'll see you at your appointment tomorrow afternoon."

a huge smile crept across my face. "got it. thank you SO much. see you tomorrow." i was grateful for their read-between-the-lines advice. shoot, i was just happy to have someone in a doctor's office take my call.

i took the extra prednisone and applied the cortisone cream. los angeles, here i come. i had a good feeling about this.

my husband - who was supposed to be my wing man for the la doctor's appointment fell ill. my mom graciously offered to come along with me. it was nice to have her company; i knew she had been worrying about me. i had hoped this long awaited appointment would give us both some peace of mind.

my appointment was at noon and i was in an exam room at 12:05. within 30 minutes the doctor had come in, talked with me, he had taken notes and examined me. the staff had collected blood, urine, run an ekg on my heart and were sending me across the street for a chest x-ray. i liked this "WOW" service!
i smiled at my mom and she mouthed "i like this guy" back to me. we definitely shared the same feeling.
the doctor entered the exam room one last time.
"amanda, this is what you are going to do." he began.
i sat up and immediately took note. he was speaking my language. i followed instructions. remember - i was a good soldier,so i was ready to take notes as he read me my orders.
"i want to see you next week when i will have the results from these tests back." the doctor continued. "in the mean time you are going to take the medications you are on currently. once i get the results back, we will probably modify your medications."
i can do that. no problem. i had questions; i had a whole list of them. but they could wait. he probably would not be able to answer most of them until he had my test results in his hand.

when my mom and i exited the office,staff met us at the front desk and gave us our appointment card for exactly one week later. there were not any questions about whether or not i was available or if that time worked for me. honestly, it didn't work for me at all. i had to clear a busy afternoon but i could have cared less. this took priority. i actually looked forward to my return visit. even though we were leaving with questions unanswered, i felt good. i felt confident that i was in competent hands.

oak glen: raspberry picking at the apple farm

2011-10-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

yes, we went raspberry picking at an apple farm in oak glen. my littles were confused too, but we had fun any way. my girlfriend and i loaded up our kiddos and made the drive out to yucaipa. they were all excited and couldn't wait for this new adventure.

i love this time of year when the chapter of summer is coming to a close and fall starts to creep in. i can almost smell the change in the air and feel it in my bones. fall is one of my favorites seasons; halloween is a holiday i love to have lots be creative with.

oak glen is about an hour east of where we live. whenever i go there, it feels like i am in another state. i love it.

there is a cluster of farms that harvest fruit, vegetables and all kinds of tasty treats throughout the year.on weekends some of the farms host special events and activities that are perfect for families. our kiddos were looking forward to doing some apple picking in early october.

it was a warm afternoon. we packed a lunch, some snacks and headed out. we figured the apple trees would provide plenty of shade for while we were picking. what we did not plan on was the farms were running low on apples. in fact, when we arrived we learned that we were not able to do any apple picking. mother nature had not been cooperative with their crops this season. the farms were only allowing apple picking on the weekends and we were visiting in the middle of the week.

the look on the kid's faces was sad. my girlfriend and i exchanged worried looks. i could read her expression and it said: "did we really drive all the way out here NOT to pick apples?"

"mom, i want to pick some apples." my little girl whined.

the nice man at snow line orchard quickly came up with a back-up plan for us.

"you can pick some raspberries." he quickly offered up.

"raspberries?" i asked. i looked at my girlfriend with a relieved smile. whew!

we gathered up some baskets and the nice man from the orchard pointed us toward the raspberry bushes that lined the property.

we only spent a short time collecting raspberries. in fact the raspberries were eaten faster than they were collected. but who cares? it was all in good fun and the kids were loving it.

we munched on our lunch at the picnic tables, under the big shady trees - the kids were full on fresh berries so it was a matter of us two moms trying to stuff food in our faces.

we used this opportunity to snap some thematic fall pics of our own little people. notice my friend: crouching tiger, hidden mamarazzi. she is an amazing wing-man; i always have so much fun when i am with her and her family. my kiddos love her kiddos. they have an ease about their relationship much like their mom and i do.

we took full advantage of the beautiful weather and inspiring location. we had a great day! i look forward to going back for another visit - soon.

chapter 6: another day, another dollar

2011-10-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite sayings is: "another day, another dollar." in this case, i was just happy to have another day. a fresh start. one that didn't include being sick to my stomach. i decided the sickness was due to the new medicine, stress and probably a few other things. i decided to alleviate as much stress as i could and take only the necessary medication. i refrained from taking the pain pills if i didn't need them. this seemed to do the trick and i was no longer sick. thank goodness!

i also noticed my over-all body pain was diminishing. i was sore in places, specifically the connective tissue areas and small joints in my wrists, ankles, toes and fingers. but i was beginning to feel better. the swelling had also gone down in my joints. i continued with the clean diet, acupuncture once a week and yoga when i could fit it in. i found comfort in the fact that i was once again in charge of my own domain. my kids were back on their usual routine: school, dance, hockey, nap time, etc. it was me who was driving them around, bathing them, packing their lunches and putting them to bed. i felt good to be moving around again. i wasn't 100%, but i was better.

we got into a new routine. got up in the morning, took my medications and started my day. i worked an occasion shift here and there - maybe 15-20 hours a week. but my primary focus was on my health and my family. it felt good. i often times stopped to ask myself whether someone was trying to send me a message. was this their way of telling me to slow down? my yoga instructor once said "slow down, whatever you're racing to catch up with just might catch up with you." so true. i laughed out loud when she said that in class and shook my head. she was so right.

something i noticed right away was the way my body felt being on these new medications. within a week of taking the plaquenil i began to notice a burning sensation in my chest. it would appear in the late afternoons. almost like i was smoking a cigarette and the smoldering, heated carcinogenic smoke filled the top of my lungs. it burned and it scared me a little bit.

there was the insomnia. prednisone is a stimulant. with 2 young children at home, i woke up (or was woken up) early - around 6am, sometimes earlier. halfway through the day i would be physically exhausted. this is also where i learned what fatigue was all about. when my 2 year old napped, i tried to enjoy a little shut eye along with her. if i got a nap in the afternoon i found myself wide awake that night -usually until 4am. then up again with my littles at 6am. wheww! that was tough. thank god for some good coffee. my colleague often joked about how much stuff she used to get done when she was on prednisone. the rest of her family would be tucked in their beds and she would be working furiously. i was beginning to understand what she meant. the late night/ early morning hours was when i started blogging and editing my photos. at least this was comforting to me; at least i had an outlet; something positive to focus on.

i watched the calendar like a hawk; noting each day what was happening and symptoms i was experiencing. i could not drink enough water. it was like i was a camel. the more i drank, the more the flames were stoked in my chest. my eyes, nose and mouth began to dry over up. chap stick and eye drops were a must and i never, ever left the house without a very large bottle of water - which was refilled often. my thirst was unquenchable. at least my kidneys were getting their workout. again, i was enjoying the freedom of having my mobility back and willing to put up the other stuff.

on october 2nd i was feeling good. my whole family decided to go to the miramar air show down in san diego. this was a big deal for my family. my father is retired navy, 20+ years and my youngest brother is currently a staff sergeant in the marine corps. we are a military family and proud of it. my family - my mom and dad in particular - were a little worried about our planned outing, but i was excited. i felt confident that it would be fine; we would have a good time and most of all everyone would be together as a family. these are the things i treasured most. additionally we had ordered reserved seating and tickets ahead of time. what was the worst that could happen? if i got tired, there were reserved seats waiting for me. if we really had to, we could simply pack up the car and drive home but this was an outing i did not want to miss.

the morning was beautiful; the sun was out early and it was getting warm. the family passed around sunscreen for everyone to use and most of us sat underneath umbrellas to keep the sun off of us.
while walking into the air show my husband turned and said: "well i guess we're going to test your photo sensitivity today." it took me a minute to understand what he meant.
i looked at him. "yeah, i guess so." i said and shrugged my shoulders.
photo sensitivity or "abnormal" light sensitivity is a factor with lupus. i was about to get educated on this.

Ghesquiere: sounds like "Guess Choir"

2011-10-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

ghesquiere family : sounds like "guess choir"

that's how you say it. don't try to sound it out. if you're like me, you would have never been able to say it correctly. thank goodness karrie gave me this hint "guess choir."
this family is gorgeous. aren't they? and they were SO fun. so comfortable and willing to let me click away while they goofed around and did their thing. we met at galleano winery in mira loma and spent a wonderful afternoon together. my faithful wing man, sandra was with me and helped to entertain the girls when they were tired of having their pictures taken. before they got "tired", they were downright amazing. look at some of these...

beautiful jayden loves her daddy

i love these hearty laughs from these silly girls!

payton - they call her "pj"

this family's faith is solid. their love for each other runs deep. it is palpable when you are with them.

the girls are good. well behaved and so polite. but there's something more. they are warm and loving.

just look at their little faces. jayden's eyes mesmerize me. it's like she is looking at my soul sometimes. and payton's cute little face. i want to eat it up.

these girls are cute now and are going to be BE-AUTIFUL! why shouldn't they be?!? just check out their parents...

love their smiles

i was fortunate enough to meet karrie and her girls at my daughter's dance class. i knew right away i was going to like karrie. her personality was similar to mine and so was her parenting style. we exchanged phone numbers and started meeting up for play dates with our kiddos. these are how friendships happen and i am so glad our friendship happened.
karrie, pat and girls, thank you for rounding up your troops and meeting us at the galleano winery for a great afternoon. it has been truly a pleasure meeting all of you.
sandra, once again - thanks for being the wind beneath my wings and helping me. I cherish your love and support. xoxo amanda jane

Life is a Beach: Kerr Family

2011-10-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

Life is a Beach: Kerr Family

for this beautiful family, life really is a beach. they love the sand. they love the water. they love the sun. they love their family time at the ocean. i love them and i loved hanging out with them at the beach.

kim and i met at work several years ago and became fast friends. we worked in the same division, had the same interests and i was immediately drawn to kim's friendly disposition. she was so mellow and easy-going. i loved being around her positive energy.

i love this one. <3

we had to time this just right between the waves

a few years ago, kim and her hubby decided to expand their family. along came DJ. he is a handsome boy, isn't he? DJ and my kiddos like to play together. i love that DJ and my kiddos are buddies and get along so well. it gives Kim and i even more of a reason to get together.

so handsome!

this boy dreams of being a fireman one day, just like his daddy

kim, i really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to photograph your beautiful family. I had a great time with you all at the beach. i appreciate that you were one of the first people to jump on my band wagon and support this new adventure of mine. thank you, my friend. i love you girl.

xoxo amanda jane

chapter 5: high hopes

2011-10-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

well the days dragged by. i tried to remain positive whenever people would ask me about my doctor's appointment and what was going on. i figured if i acted positive and put positive thoughts out there, positive is what was going to come back to me. right? i had high hopes.

finally september 13th rolled around and my husband and i headed back to my rheumatologist for my follow up appointment. i had done just what the doctor ordered: i had taken the medication and gone to get my blood work. i had also made a list of questions. in my head, i secretly suspected he was going to tell me i had rheumatoid arthritis and was going to have to learn to live with it. in my head, i also assumed this was going to be the easier of the two options. for some reason lupus carried a much more heavier load for me.

we dropped the kids off with grandma again (thank you,grandma!) and arrived early for my 1:30pm appointment. this time, the doctor was practicing out of his own office in upland - near san antonio hospital. while sitting in the waiting room i looked around at the other patients who were waiting. it was obvious i was the youngest person in there by about 30+ years. it was also evident that the office had more important things to do rather than make sure they were running an efficient business. we listened to staff exchange shopping stories, watched them finish eating their lunch and even got to see a pair of red vinyl high heels the receptionist purchased that very afternoon. tacky. i believe in signs and this was not adding up to be a good sign. still: think positive. think positive.

45 minutes later, we were finally called back to one of the examining rooms. the doctor came in shortly after and had a perplexed look on his face.
"hmm..." he says while looking at me. he was holding some paperwork in his hand. then he walked over and began to examine my arms, neck and legs.
"no rash?" he asked.
"no." i answer.
"well, your test results are inconclusive so i am going to diagnose you as borderline lupus."

what? what is border line lupus? my husband and i exchanged a confused look.

"even though you are presenting symptoms for rheumatoid arthritis, the blood work shows negative. you are only showing 3 markers for lupus. so i'm going to give you some medication that will take care of both." he explained. "i am going to put you on a low dose of prednisone and paquenil to help with the inflammation in your joints."

"wait a second. i have some concerns about these medications. i've done some reading and prednisone will eat away at my bones over time and paquenil can damage the retinas in my eyes." i questioned.
"almost never happens. you don't need to worry about that." he assured me. "take these medications and you will feel better."

i had more questions for this doctor. think positive. think positive.

"what about sjogrens syndrome? was i tested for that?" i asked him.

"uhhh..... no, i don't see it here in your paperwork so i will need you to go back to the lab and have more blood drawn." he fumbled through the chart in his hand.

"ok. what about diet and nutrition? and exercise? - i've recently tried yoga. is there anything else i can be doing to better my situation and supplement the medications your prescribing?" i asked.

the doctor was getting irritated. "just eat healthy." he said. "i don't believe in yoga. i can write you a prescription for physical therapy and take the medications. you will feel better."

i could feel a lump beginning to form in my throat. there was no way i was going to allow this doctor to see me get upset. i swallowed it down hard and looked at my husband. his face said it all. he was getting frustrated with this guy too.

"why should she take those medications if their side effects are going to be as bad or worse than the disease?" my husband interjected.

"i am just trying to give your wife some relief." the doctor explained. "take the medications and i will see you in 4 weeks." that was it. he was finished. it was time for us to leave.

i walked out of the office feeling frustrated, like none of my questions had been answered. i felt like i had such high hopes 2 hours before and now i was at a loss for words. ask anyone, i can usually talk until the paint comes off the walls but i sat in the passenger seat in silence.

"are you ok?" he asked , rubbing my shoulders. it wasn't a question. he knew i wasn't ok. he knew i was upset. "do you want to know what i think?" he paused briefly and i looked at him. "i think we need to go to LA and get a second opinion."

i shook my head yes in agreement.

"you know what else i think" he continued. "i think that doctor is used to having elderly patients come in to his office. he tells them what pills to take for their aches and pains and they do it. no questions asked. you come in today, young and full of questions and he didn't know what to do."

i shook my head yes again. what he was saying made sense. all of it.

we drove in silence to the pharmacy. the good patient in me was going to get my medications filled and take them as instructed. i stared out the window with that lump still sitting in my throat. it was too much. the tears came. i couldn't stop them. they poured out. the frustration, the anger, the disbelief. the fear. it all came to a head.

i sat in the car and composed myself while my husband went into the pharmacy. screw this, i thought. i am in control of what happens to me. i dialed the rheumatology office phone number and made a call. i requested the receptionist (red vinyl shoe girl) make me a copy of my full chart and told her i would be back down in 10 minutes to pick it up.

the second call i made was to my coworker who has been battling lupus for 20 years. she gave me the name and phone number for her lupus doctor in los angeles. i phoned him and made an appointment. he could see me october 7th; i didn't care that it was 3 weeks away. i would take whatever i could get. (of course, i asked his assistant to phone me if any earlier appointments came available.) i was comforted to find an email waiting for me when i arrived home later from the lupus doctor in los angeles. the email was a confirmation of my appointment. attached were some patient forms for me fill out and take to the office. this email made me even more confident in my decision to get a second opinion. i was already feeling like the lupus doctor in los angeles at least had better communication skills than the previous rheumatologist i had seen. i took the second dose of my new medications and headed to bed; i was mentally and emotionally exhausted after a long day.

2 am and my eyes shot open. oh no! i threw the covers off the bed and ran to the bathroom, i barely made it in time before i got sick. i kept getting sick. over and over again until finally - around 6am - there was nothing left in my system to purge.

-- on a side note, my husband works a position where he is on call 24 hours a day. unfortunately for him (and me) he got an emergency call and had to leave to go into work at 4am. the look on his face was dreadful. he did not want to go and leave me home alone, sick with 2 young children sleeping in their beds. but he also couldn't not go when he was called.

"i'll be fine." i assured him. already in my head i was planning on who i could call to help. thank goodness family lives close by and i've got some amazing girlfriends. a couple phone calls later, my son had a ride to school, my daughter had a play date with her bestie and i had a quiet, child-free house.
i fell back into bed and slept - HARD. like one of those sleeps where a mack truck could have run through the room and i would never have heard it.

i woke up around noon and felt like a new woman. after a hot shower, it was time to collect my children. that was easier said, than done with concerned girlfriends wanting to keep them all day. in all honesty, i just wanted to be with my people and they wanted to be with me. kids are funny. they sense when things are off. my kids, in particular, have become even more loving and are very worried about mommy. they walk up and give me kisses and ask: "does that make you feel better, mommy?" my 2 year old daughter walks up and will tell anyone who is listening: "my mommy doesn't feel good." my children know mommy is sick but they do not know all of the details of it. yet, they respond in such a loving way. i miss them when i'm not around them - even if it's just for a short time. every day i am reminded how amazing my children are. my son helps me with things and does things around the house that not many other 5 years have had to do. he must tell me 1,000 times a day that he loves me. he stops playing video games (this is huge, people!), puts down the remote and walks over to rub my arm or give me a hug. that is pretty incredible. these are the things that continue to keep my hopes and my spirits high.

chapter 4: i craved "normal"

2011-10-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

alright! enough dilly-dallying!! i need to get to it and catch up on my blog posts. so much has been happening that things are changing and progressing daily. whether you've been along for the ride or are just joining us, fasten your seat belt and hang on! i am about the press the virtual accelerator.

august 19th finally arrived and my husband and i headed to what would be my first rheumatology appointment. after dropping the kids off at my mom's house we headed into the doctor's office. it wasn't exactly an office. it was a few extra rooms stuck onto the back of a physical therapy gym. but i didn't care. i was just happy to be there. we waited a few minutes then were called back by the nurse. the first thing she did was weigh me. 12 pounds lighter than i was at the beginning just by eating clean and stretching with light yoga. that was incredible to me! i couldn't believe it. a huge smile crept across my face and i looked at my husband with my mouth open wide.

"well, that was definitely worth it!" i said to him. a secret part of me was jumping for joy because i finally had lost enough weight that i weighed less than my skinny man. for some of you, this is not an issue. for me, it always has been.

with that good news under my belt, i was ready to see the rheumatologist. he was an older gentleman with a gentle demeanor. of course i had 100 questions written down and began firing them off at him.

he put his hands up at me. "wait wait wait." he says. "let's run some more tests and i will do a physical exam on you."

"okay." i say. i realize i can be quite the over-eager beaver. i was in his house, so to speak so i needed to do things his way. after all, he was the expert.

after a quick physical exam - no gown needed, just kept the clothing on. he check to see how much of a grip i had in each hand and examined the rest of my body for any kind of lupus rash. he found minimal strength in my hands and no rash. he noted some minor swelling in the hands, fingers, wrist, ankles and toes.

"well," he begins. "you are presenting symptoms for both rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. you are only showing 3 signs of lupus and i won't officially diagnose you with lupus until you exhibit a 4th marker." (ie: the rash) "so i am going to give you a 7-pack of methylprednisone to take along with your celebrex and tramadol." this will help alleviate some of the inflammation in your joints. then i will need you to have another blood test done to see how your body has reacted to this medication."

no problem. i can do that. give me instructions and i will be a good soldier. i follow orders when given.

"come back and see me in 3 weeks." and that was it. he did not have a reason why i was sick. but i felt a little better having somewhat of a direction to go in.

my husband drove to the pharmacy to fill my new medication as i was very anxious to begin taking them. now, don't get me wrong. i had (still have) concerns about taking prednisone and some of the side affects of that medication but at this point in my journey, i just wanted some relief.

well i got it. within hours of taking my first dose of methylprednisone, i felt a difference. this was good. this was really good. kinda of scary good because i was beginning to feel almost normal. and it was happening so quickly. a small part of me questioned how long this would last and what was really going on inside of my body. but most of me just appreciated the break from the pain. i understand very clearly why drug addicts crave that high. i craved feeling normal.

the first day i took 7 pills, the second day i took 6 pills, third day it was 5 pills and so on and so forth until the pills were gone and the week was up. being the dutiful student, i went to the lab and had my blood work completed. then waited for my follow up appointment. unfortunately, around day 5 i started to feel the "normalcy"fading away. like an addict, i became paranoid. oh no! what can i do to keep this high; to continue feeling normal? i had to talk myself down off the ledge several times. it's okay. it's only temporary. the doctor can give me more if i need it. i tried to concentrate on my clean diet, yoga, acupuncture, etc.

in the meantime i had begun to feel well enough to return to my part-time job. thankfully, they are very flexible with my hours and allowed me to start my shift later than usual or only work a partial shift if i was having a rough time. i am forever grateful for my supervisors and coworkers' patience and understanding with this. it also helped that one of the ladies i work with has had lupus for over 20 years. she has been a wealth of knowledge and a comfort to me throughout this ordeal.

i worked a couple of shifts, only about 6 hours at a time. i enjoyed the break and the change of scenery; i was tired of staring at the walls of my own home. i also relished the social interaction with my coworkers and the public. again, this helped me feel "normal." but it also kicked my butt. i was so dog-tired by the time i left work that i would drive home with drool dripping off my bottom lip. it was all i could do to get home, unfold out of the drivers seat and get into bed. the day after my shift was the worst. it would hit me like a ton of bricks and i would be fatigued to the bone. this was not me; amanda was used to going and doing 100 things at one time and not batting an eye. clearly that wasn't the case anymore. i learned quickly to clear my calendar and simplify my family's schedule.

with one week to go before my follow up appointment at the rheumatologist office, i could not stand it anymore. the pain was back - full force. the inflammation had increased and i was frustrated. after a couple un-returned phone calls to the rheumatology office i decided to take drastic measures. i became a stalker. i called every hour, on the hour from the time the office opened until the time they closed until someone would speak to me.

"please, is there anything you can do for me?" i begged the doctor's assistant. " i was feeling so good on the metylprednisone and now i feel worse. i still have one week to go before i come back in to see you."

the doctor agreed to have his assistant call in a refill for the 7-pack of the methylprednisone to my local pharmacy for pickup.

"thank you SO much!" the relief swept over me and i made sure i was waiting at the pharmacy pick up window an hour later.

this time, the "high" was not as dramatic. i felt a difference when i began taking the medication again. but not as strong as the first time. DAMN! that's ok, i told myself. at least it made you feel a little better. it did. i was able to fulfill my obligations for the weekend with my photographer/friend and work a couple of shifts at my part-time job. it got me through and i for that, i was thankful.

My Dandelion Philosophy

2011-10-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

how many of us have picked up a dandelion and blown the dried seeds? once the seeds have turned from their bright yellow color to the white/grey wisps, with one big breath we can send their seeds out into the air. (seeds are often carried as far as 5 miles from their origin!) this can be a beautiful sight. i think it’s magical.

many people blow these seeds hoping for a wish to come true, just like they would blow out a candle on their birthday cake. i have always believed that my wish would come true if i was lucky enough to successfully empty off all the dandelion seeds in one breath. if i failed to do so, i might not have as much luck with my wish coming true.

with each seed that is blown into the air, it eventually lands somewhere and begins to grow another dandelion plant. this is how the dandelions procreate; without their flowers turning into seeds and blowing to another location, they would not continue to grow.

i relate this to life; i relate this theory to my life. i look at my own journey as a dandelion seed that has blown in, planted its roots in someone’s nice lawn and i’ve started to grow into a bright and beautiful yellow flower. some of my neighbors may view me as a weed, and that’s ok because even weeds can be a beautiful plant in the right kind of environment. as a dandelion, i live out my days in a tight, safe bud then slowly open in the warm sunshine. a dandelion opens to greet the morning and closes up tight to sleep at night. dandelions flower in the winter when everything else is cold and dead. dandelions have one of the longest flowering seasons of any plant. as i age, my seeds turn from a bold yellow to a willowy, grey flower. with a strong wind or big breath, my seeds will blow away. then land somewhere else to start all over again. my seeds, in the literal sense are my children and my family. they are my legacy. but my seeds could also be other relationships i have, my job, hobbies, even every day interactions with passersby - good and bad. my seeds could be an impression i’ve made after meeting someone for the first and only time. (i hope it was a good impression-fingers crossed.) most recently, i like to think of my passion for photography as a seed. i hope the pictures i’ve taken for friends plant the seed and touch them deeply. each moment in our little lives go by so quickly, it’s impossible to stop time. i feel like photographing my children, my family and my friends help me hold onto that moment. instead of watching it slip away, i can always go back to that moment and revisit it. each memory is a seed blowing into the next yard to plant another flower. i like to think all of my seeds are going to be flowers. beautiful flowers that your gardener won’t ever want to rid your lawn of.

dandelions are rich in symbolism. their ability to thrive under adverse conditions make me think of persistence and survival. the ability to regenerate from our roots is a gift i intend to pass along to my children and foster in our family's home. the seeds' journey once it's left the safety of the yellow flower symbolizes letting go and starting something new. i can relate to all of these on many levels. i think we all can.

Dandelion

With each springs white top.

Shaken off by hands unseen.
Wanders by each lofty lonely face.
Places it is wind it needs to show.
I float across each leaf, it's breath.
Beside still waters shy and still.
Willows branch they hang in grace.
With a gentle sigh they hold out light,
and lay me gently down to grow.

~author unknown

Swept Away...

2011-09-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

Swept away... blown away is more like it! Yesterday was an sensational and emotional day. I began my morning like I normally do - get my people up, dressed and ready to go. We headed out early to run some errands. Along the way I had planned to treat my littles to a yummy donut and early morning haircut. My plan was cut short by a text I received while sitting in the donut shop.

"Where are you??" the text said. "Are you home???"

"No. I am around the corner at the donut shop with the kids." I replied.

"Get home. I have a surprise for you."

"Can you leave it on the doorstep? We'll be home soon." I typed.

"No." was the only reply I got.

Hmm.... "Can you bring it to me?" I asked. "We are getting our hair cut."

"No. You need to get your @$$ home now." she demanded.

Geesh, I thought to myself. What the heck is so important that I needed to get home ASAP?? What was going on?? Is it a puppy or something she couldn't leave unattended on my doorstep until I got home? I was about to find out.

My kiddos were confused about why we packed up so quickly and walked back to the car.

"Momma, I thought I was getting a haircut." my daughter whined.

"Where are we going?" my son asked.

I explained to them that mommy's friend was at our house and we needed to go see her real quick. Later we could come back and get a haircut. This satisfied them for a moment although I faced a barrage of questions on the short ride home.

"Mommy, why is your friend there? Who is there? Where is she? What is she doing?" And so on. All I could answer was "I don't know. We'll find out as soon as we get there."

I pulled my car into the driveway to see two of my closest girlfriends waiting for me. I rolled down the window.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I slid out of the driver's seat. I had expected to chat with them for a minute, see what was up then head right back to our errands.

"Who runs errands at 8 o'clock in the morning? Where were you? We need you home today. " they said.

What were they talking about? I run errands early in the morning so I can get it done and out of the way. I don't move very fast these days so I've got to make every minute count. I was at the donut shop, the dry cleaners, the bank and about to get my kids' hair cut. Why do I have to be home today?

They handed me a lovely orchid and a card.

One girlfriend explained: "I am here to take your kiddos for the day."

My other friend simply stated: " You have house cleaners coming in 5 minutes."

WHAT??? The emotions hit deep and quick. Tears poured down my face underneath my sunglasses. I could hardly breath. It was one of those moments where I couldn't even speak. How could they do this? They didn't have to do this. Who was responsible for this awesome gift??

I opened the card to find signatures and messages from an amazing group of women. These women learned about my recent health challenges and wanted to help me and my family. They collectively raised enough money and arranged for house cleaners to come into my home and clean it from top to bottom. My heart swelled. This took me completely by surprise. I was swept away - literally.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" my kids asked.

"It's alright." I assured them. "Mommy is very happy right now."

I felt like Ed McMahon with Publisher's Clearing House had showed up on my door step. And I was one of those crazy winners who stood there speechless,crying with my hands shaking. Yes, that was me.

"Your husband knows about this. He gave us his blessing. It took a little while, but he agreed to let us do this for you." they explained.

These women had coordinated with my husband to arrange the date and time for the cleaning. My kiddos went to one friend's home for the afternoon for a play date. They would surely be happier there than running under foot during the cleaning. I was comfortable knowing they were in good hands and having fun with some of their best buddies.

Ten minutes later, a car pulled up and a cute little husband and wife team knocked on my front door.

"Hello." They said. "We understand your friends want us to clean your house." Those words were sweet music to my ears. Since I have gotten sick, my home and cleaning it has become less of a priority for me. I look around and see the mess. I know that it needs cleaning, but the desire and the energy level just hasn't been there. The loss of dexterity in my fingers and my hands make it very difficult to do some of the house work that I would like to do.

"Yes!" I replied excitedly. I showed them around and they got to work. Boy, did they work. And they worked. And they worked. And they worked. For almost 5 hours they worked. They cleaned parts of my house that have not been touched since we moved in almost 10 years ago. I pushed my embarrassment aside and let them do their thing.

Several times throughout the day, the dust would be flying and I would get emotional all over again. The tears would come and I still couldn't believe what my friends had done for me. All I could do was shake my head in awe. Amazing.

I woke up this morning and looked over their card again. I ran my fingers over the signatures and sweet messages. To everyone who contributed, I hope you understand how much your gift means to me. You have touched me deeply. I am indebted and grateful for your generosity. My family and I appreciate you. I am a better person because I surround myself with women like you. Thank you.

All my love, XOXO

amanda

I Think I've Got a Princess on my Hands

2011-09-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

princess G

when i was pregnant with my daughter i was adamant with friends and family that i did not want any clothing with "princess" or "diva" imprinted on it. i liked the color pink and loved the color purple. i did not mind "girly" things but for some reason the words: princess and diva got me all anxious.

thank goodness my friends and family listened to the grumblings of a crazy pregnant lady. i told them that if my daughter decided she loved princesses and wanted go that route, fine. but let her decide what she liked. i didn't want her coming in to the world with a title like that being pushed on to her. (i know, my friends still roll their eyes at me.)

G and some of her Princess Friends

well it turns out that my daughter LOVES princesses. i wouldn't say she is a diva, but the girl definitely knows what she wants. she wants pink. she wants pretty. she wants sparkles. she can't get enough shoes and purses. in all honesty, i love it. this is the same girl who plays dress up in all her pretty clothes then will go outside and dig in the dirt while wearing her princess shoes. you have to respect a girl who isn't afraid to get dirty but also appreciates the finer things in life.

my daughter and her friends had an opportunity to play dress up at the chick-fil-a princess night last week. she was beside herself with excitement. we got her all dressed up in a pink sleeping beauty gown with matching sparkle princess shoes, a crown and her jewels. a girl after my own heart, she accessorized with the perfect handbag. to make the night really special, we added some sparkle make up to her eyelids and some clear sparkle lip gloss. my girl was in heaven. we arrived at chick-fil-a to find a horse drawn carriage waiting for us along with our very own prince charming.

G and her Prince Charming

she had a great time with her brother and her friends. i had a great time watching her. she tells everyone who will listen that she is going to be ariel, the little mermaid for halloween. we are in the beginning stages of planning her ariel birthday party too. you know what? it's okay that she likes to be a princess. my girl is discovering who she is. i tell her all the time: be the princess you want to be and do it well. wear all the pink you want to wear.
your mama loves you, g. you make me smile every day. xoxo

Kerr Family: Of Course He Lost His 1st Tooth

2011-09-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

Kerr Family: Of Course He Lost His 1st Tooth.....

"..right before our pictures" Kim says to me.

I had to laugh.

"That's great!! This is exactly when we should be taking pictures. We need to celebrate that." I told her. This is one of many "firsts" to come along in life. Let's capture this memory right as it's happening.
"Think of how great these pictures will be when you look back on them years from now."
I think of how great it is to look at these pictures right now.

And this is exactly how I want to remember my friend with her family. I love the way she is laughing and looking at her man. DJ loves his daddy. I think this picture says so much about this family.

How many of us would love to have these eyes? Kim, your inner beauty lights them right up!

Kim, thank you for being an amazing friend to me. I am so lucky to have you in my life.

I am grateful for your support and encouragement with my newest adventure.

Nick, you were such a great sport and thanks for the delicious Ruby's burger!

DJ, you are a ham! And I loved it!! Nico and Gianna need a play date with you SOON!

xox, amanda jane

Chapter 3: Ground Hog Day

2011-09-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

the date was tuesday, august 9th. my mother in law dropped her life and moved into our guest bedroom. she came to help me get around; help with the kids, get my son to school, fix meals and whatever else she could do. i truly believe she earned her angel wings that week.

the morning began with me waking up to find that my joints had stiffened again over night. it was still very painful to move. the first few hours of the day were difficult. my husband left strict orders for me to drinks "gallons" of water throughout the day and get plenty of rest. which i did. i knew it was difficult for him to head off to work while he watched me struggle. he called to check on me every couple hours. someone had to make the money to pay the bills, right? it had been a couple of weeks since i had worked.

there were a handful of people who helped me get through these first couple weeks. i never would have been able to get through without them. those who showed up to help me stretch and do yoga -thank you. those who made meals, brought over reading material and offered incredible company - thank you. those who took care of my children and entertained them when i could not -thank you. those who helped with laundry and did my hair -thank you. i am forever grateful for you. you know who you are and your kindness has touched me deeply. in all honesty, i had not shared what was happening with many people. only my family and a few close friends knew the details. those who did know showed up. in a big way. like i mentioned earlier, it's not easy for someone with my type-a , control-freak personality to reach out and ask for help and admit that i might be broken. but more importantly, i didn't really know what to tell everyone. "hey, it's amanda. i feel like crap. i'm not sure what's wrong. can you come help me get out of bed in the morning?" that would be weird. i had people approach me later, saying: "why didn't you tell me?? i would've come help." although i appreciated the gesture, that is so much easier said than done.

the second shift was taken by my mother, who had just returned from being out of town. i know it was hard for her to be away from me and my family when all this craziness started. my mother and i have a deep connection; one i feel in my core. i imagined how i would've felt being so far; a feeling of helplessness. not being there. each time i updated her on the phone i could hear the worry in her voice.

my dear friend helped me plan my nutrition and meals for the week while loosely following the "17 day diet." - let me clarify something, i was not hell bent on dieting to loose weight. i was focused on cleansing my system from the inside-out in an effort to make it run more efficiently. however, if i dropped a few pounds along the way who was i to complain?

my mother in law made a comment one afternoon while we sat and watched the kids play outside. she said: "it's the weirdest thing to watch your progression throughout the day. i would have never understood it if i didn't see it for myself. you wake up in the morning practically disabled and slowly, throughout the day your body loosens up. i see your body change. by the afternoon you are moving more fluid."   yep, that pretty much sums it up.

the first two weeks were a repeat of the same thing; groundhog day. i would go to bed feeling "almost normal" and then bam! wake up and be right back in the same situation i was the day before. the thought of feeling better in the afternoons was what kept me focused. my days consisted of the same routine:  HOT shower in the morning, stretching/yoga, eating clean, drinking gallons of fluids, and lots of rest. slowly i noticed my body began to respond. this planted a seed of hope.

friday, august 12th my general practitioner called with the results of my second blood test. unfortunately, there wasn't much more information he could give me. "just keep doing what you're doing and let me know what the rheumatologist says." i know i should not get frustrated with him but i wanted more than that. couldn't he give me any information about why my body was acting this way?? no, he couldn't. he offered more pain medication if i was uncomfortable. i didn't want more medication. i wanted answers. after my conversation with him, i broke down crying. my mother in law hugged me. she was emotional too. she assured me i would get through this. i knew she was right but it was therapeutic to let my frustration out.

my mother in law had contacted her massage therapist and sent her over to see me. on a quiet sunday morning my husband took the kids out of the house for a couple of hours while i received a 90 minute, full body massage. i swear, the clouds parted that day and another ray of sunlight poked through. at the beginning of our session i needed assistance lying on the table. at the end of our session i felt like a new woman. i felt so good that when it was over, i put on a pair of tennis shoes and headed outside to play with my kids. i felt close to great and figured even if i woke up tomorrow with my joints locked up i had better take full advantage of today. that massage made me feel like a million bucks. i couldn't wait until my next appointment.

from then on, i was a focused woman on a mission: each morning i would call the rheumatology office and ask if there had been any cancellations; any way i could get an earlier appointment? finally it happened. they could get me in a week earlier. great! i'll take it!! i would be seeing the rheumatologist on august 19th. in the mean time, i focused on what i could control: my yoga and stretching, my diet, acupuncture, massage and my attitude about all this craziness. so that's what my days consisted of for the week.  all i could do was look ahead and hope i would get some clearer answers at my first rheumatology appointment.

Arabella is Turning 2!

2011-09-22T01:04:00.000-07:00

arabella and her friend, olivia

one of my close friends asked me if i would be willing take some pictures of her daughter for her 2nd birthday. can you imagine what my response was?

YES!

we had such a great time putting this shoot together. my girlfriend knew she wanted to do an "olivia" theme so the pictures would coordinate with arabella's birthday party. that was our jumping off point.

from the balloons to the cupcakes to the colors. we had a great time and arabella thought she was getting an early birthday party prepared just for her. well, she was!

the great thing about turning 2 is arabella is still considered a baby... but she is also getting into the "big girl" stage. she has such a strong spirit. this girl knows what she wants and can think for herself already. i imagine her to be a very independent young lady when she grows up. and that's going to be a good thing.

happy birthday, arabella!

arabella, i hope you have a wonderful party. i am so glad i got to celebrate a little early with you and our friend, olivia. thank you for sharing those yummy cupcakes with me. it was a joy to spend the afternoon with you and your mommy!

i need to give a special shout-out to my wingman, sandra. she helped us keep arabella entertained and as always was a huge help during the shoot. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

xox,aj

Hitting the Wall : Chapter 2

2011-09-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

monday came and i hit the wall. as i struggled to get my limbs to respond to what my brain was telling them to do the pain washed over me. i got scared. very scared. this isn't right. this does not feel right. something is wrong with my body. all of my body. there was not one joint that had been spared from this intense pain.

my husband sprang into action. "in sickness and in health," - boy, they weren't kidding. he had to physically help me out of bed. help me to the bathroom. get me into the shower. wash me, dry me and dress me in my clothes. every movement made my body scream.

right away my children were aware something was wrong with mommy. "you don't feel good?" my daughter asked looking up at me. my son softly kissed me and rubbed my arm. "does that make you feel better?" he asked. i felt my heart break in two when i recognized the worry on their sweet little faces. they should not be worrying about me. i am the mom. it is my job to worry about them.

thankfully we have amazing neighbors and our kids went to stay across the street. my husband drove me straight back to my doctor's office and we waited until the front doors were unlocked. no appointment. no warning. we just showed up. his staff was visibly surprised to see me back; it had only been a few days since i was there last. the doctor even gave me a funny look when he walked into the exam room and saw me sitting there again. i tried hard to hold back the tears but they came anyway while i explained to the doctor why i had returned.

"it's like she turned 90 years old over night" my husband told him in disbelief.

my general practitioner talked a little more about the results of what would be my first blood test. he advised me the diabetic reading was high. "now, i'm not saying you are a diabetic but i don't want you to have problems with that in the future. so let's do some preventative maintenance right now by loosing 5-10 pounds. even i could afford to do that." he chuckled. not funny, mister doctor. i am not in the mood for humor.

he continued: "you need to drink lots of water. your kidneys look like they are having some trouble and i want to make sure we are flushing them out real good. your liver too."

so.... you want me to loose weight, drink 3 gallons of water a day and i'll feel better?

i could tell the doctor was still a little skeptical until he saw me try to get down off the exam table. my husband wrapped his arm around my waist and lowered me onto the ground. he continued to support my weight as we made our way toward the door. the problem with this connective tissue disease is that ALL of the tissues that connect every flexing joint in your body hurt like an s.o.b.

the doctor's eyes grew wide and his mouth opened.

"do you always walk like that? you didn't look like this last week." he stammered.

"that is what i've been trying to tell you." i cried. "this isn't me. my body is not doing what i tell it to do." i sounded like a toddler whining to him.

my doctor referred us to a rheumatologist. you see, i was under the impression that a rheumatologist studied rheumatoid arthritis. yes and no. i had tested positive for a connective tissue disease. there are several diseases within this connective tissue disease family. rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are only some of them. my doctor ordered additional blood tests to investigate the connective tissue disease, gave me a prescription for tramadol (a pain medication) and encouraged me to go home and rest.

there was no going home yet. we had things to do. first call was to the rheumatologist for an appointment. the first office did not have an available appointment for over 2 months. that's not going to work. the next doctor we called had an available appointment, but of course it would be several weeks before he would be able to see me. "i'll take it." then i vowed to call his office every day to see if an earlier appointment became available. yes, i can be very annoying like that.

next stop: the lab for more blood work.

"hello again" the technician said when i shuffled in. since i had turned 90 years old overnight, it's not like i was moving very fast. "more tests?" he asked.

i used to be afraid of needles. we didn't get along - needles and i. but today was different.

i was scared of what was happening to my body and i was determined to find out what was causing this craziness and get it fixed.

after the lab we hit the pharmacy for those pain meds. yes, give me pills. if they make me feel better, give them to me now. while my husband went in to the pharmacy and took care of business, i sat in the car. what else could i be doing to better my situation? i can't just sit here and wait around for something to happen. i knew i could only control certain aspects of my situation. one of them was my diet. "loose 5-10 pounds" played over in my mind. ugh.... but he kind of had a point. if i ate healthy; if i ate "clean" my body might operate more efficiently and therefore be able to heal itself better. right?

another light bulb went on: acupuncture. hmm? i had never done acupuncture before. remember what i said about me and needles? yeah, well this time things are different. i would have set my hair on fire and run down the street if it meant i would get some relief from the pain.

i called my chiropractor's office and promptly made an acupuncture appointment for later that afternoon. scared, sore, anxious and in pain i shuffled into the chiropractic office. once again, the office staff and patients in the waiting room turned to look at the 90 year old shuffling through the door. i was quickly escorted to a private room and my consultation began.

"i don't know what's going on with you, but i am very worried. are you nervous?" she asked.

"yes. very." i filled her in on all of the events leading up to me coming to see her. she diligently took notes and nodded appropriately. i also presented her with a copy of my first blood test. she read them thoroughly and shook her head.

"it looks like your body basically exploded and you have inflammation everywhere."

i asked her if she could recommend any type of nutrition or dietary restrictions for me. she encouraged a cleanse diet - not to loose weight, but more to rid my body of all the processed foods and ick that might be deterring it from performing its normal duties. (kidneys? liver?? are you listening this?) ok, i can do that. another vow for the day: eat fresh fruit and vegetables, lean meats and plenty of protein. stay away from crap.

for the next two hours i laid on the bed in that private room. the lights were dim. soft, soothing music played in the background and i realized as she stuck needles into my body that i was finally pain free. could it really be? or am i hallucinating? no, it was really happening. occasionally i would feel a pinch when she put a needle in place but the sensation quickly went away. i felt at peace. most of all, i felt like she was listening to me and hearing what my body was saying.

my first acupuncture treatment was strictly to help manage my pain. when she finished the 2 hour treatment, she encouraged me to go home and take an epsom salt bath then get some rest. i did just that. while relaxing i was hit with the reality that i needed to ask for help. this might not be a big deal for some people, but it was a huge deal for me. i prided myself on being fiercely independent and now i was going to have to swallow my pride. i stared at the fact i would not be able to care for myself and my 2 kids when my husband went off to work early the next morning. i picked up the phone and dialed a number.

my husband had to assist me with walking out of the chiropractic office, getting into the car and moving up the stairs. but when the time came to go to bed i felt a little better. i had some slight relief. the day's events had drained me - mentally, physically and emotionally. i was hopeful the next day would be even better. or maybe i was just naive that i would wake up and be magically cured. oh to be so lucky...

Going From 100 mph To a Dead Stop

2011-09-19T01:36:00.000-07:00

a recent personal struggle has reared its ugly head and i thought i would share. i figured maybe writing about my experience would be a form of therapy for me. additionally, i am learning that there are a lot of people going through the same thing and maybe we could learn from and help each other.

on july 14 i woke up and started my morning like i always do - sort of. when i moved to get out of bed it was obvious something was wrong with my hands. my fingers had swelled up and i had a difficult time removing my wedding ring. i also had difficulty making a fist. my first inclination was to wonder: am i going to start my period? crap, i hope not. then i began reviewing the previous day's meals. did i eat too much salt? or drown myself in sodium?

no, not that i could recall. at the time, i decided i needed to exercise like i usually did. i told myself i needed to get moving and i would feel better. that was partially true. i even commented to my girlfriend while working out that my hands were sore. she had the same questions i did. strange.

for another 2 weeks, i awoke with similar symptoms. i always felt worse in the morning and would gradually start to feel better as they day progressed. the swelling and pain had started to affect more than my hands. my right shoulder was sore. my big toe, both ankles, and pads of my feet ached and had become painful to the touch. i had stopped exercising. i no longer jogged up to 5 miles - 4 days a week. enough of this; i could only suck it up for so long and frankly, i was tired of the pain. i decided to go see my doctor. besides, i had a softball tournament in las vegas coming up and i was not going to miss out on that!

thankfully, a girlfriend agreed to watch my 2 little people and i headed to my first doctor's appointment on august 1st. my joints were still painfully sore when i went in to the see my general practitioner but i figured he would be a good place to start. the doctor checked the usual: my blood pressure (it was higher than usual), my pulse, my weight (ugh) , ears, eyes, etc and took a brief look at the joints that bothered me. after a deep inquisition into my family history, he really had no idea what was happening. there were so many symptoms that he needed to narrow down the playing field, so to speak. according to him, i could have been experiencing anything from lyme disease to rheumatoid arthritis. he prescribed celebrex to help with the inflammation, an oral antibiotic "just in case" i tested positive for lyme disease and sent me to the lab for numerous blood tests.

four days later i was on my way to las vegas with my girlfriends. honestly, i had hesitated to go on the trip. my husband and i talked about it. i also spoke with the coach who was a close friend. we decided i would go and have a fun trip with my friends but play only as needed and when i felt good enough to do so. that is exactly what i did. additionally, i made sure to make healthy food choices while i was away. on day two of my trip my general practitioner called with my blood work results. he normally did not give this type of information over the phone but he knew i was out of town and anxious for some information. he advised me to stop taking the antibiotics because i had tested negative for lyme disease. {wheww!} he was, however concerned about a positive abnormality showing up on one of the blood tests. i clearly remember him telling me: "now, don't freak out. i do not want you to worry about this but a small percentage of people who test positive eventually get diagnosed with lupus."

there it was. the bomb in my gut hit hard and heavy. then a little voice in my head started repeating: "you are going to be fine. you are always fine. there are plenty of tests that come back with a false-positive. this is no big deal."

my friends and i made the 4 hour drive home from las vegas on sunday, august 7. i knew when we stopped halfway through the trip that i was in trouble. my joints had stiffened even more. i had difficulty getting in and out of the car. once i arrived home, i was relieved to be with my husband and children. i could try to relax and do my best to rest before having to go to work early the following morning. or so i thought... the next morning proved to be the next chapter in my newest challenge.

Hooray for Pre-K!

2011-09-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

1st day of pre-k

this week my son started his pre-kindergarten class. i love his school. he has been attending the same preschool for just over a year now but somehow THIS first day got me a little emotional. he begins his last year of preschool; sort of an end to a chapter, so to speak. next year, kindergarten will be a big step for him. (and for me, too.) it is so important that he savor every moment of being a kid.

having fun. learning new things. laughing - a lot. making new friends.

i love this face

lately my son has been asking me what it's like to be an adult. he tells me he wants to be grown up. my response is usually: "well, i wish i could be a kid again. i'll trade ya!" he just laughs and tells me i am being silly. yea i guess it is silly but it's true sometimes. i tried to explain that adults have something called responsibilities but i don' think he quite gets it and that's ok.

my son had a hard time understanding that some of his friends from last year had graduated preschool and started kindergarten. because of where his birthday lands in the year we opted to wait an extra year and start him in kindergarten when he is 5 - going on 6. we are comfortable with that decision but he had difficulty grasping it. he started his new class this week and loves it. he is excited about his new friends and activities. it helped him to know he is now considered one of the "big" kids at school. he feels very proud to be one of the upper class men of preschool who will head off to kindergarten next fall.

son, enjoy your time at preschool. don't worry, you will be big soon enough. each chapter in your life is a journey. i have loved watching you grow during this journey and look forward to watching you in the years to come. promise me you'll stay sweet, be a good boy, but most of all have fun and soak up every minute. i love you.

xoxo, mom (aka: aj)

Have My Cake & Eat It Too

2011-09-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

every once in a while i get to have my cake and eat it, too. this past weekend i was lucky enough to do just that. i assisted kamee june photography with hosting her "small business workshop" and soaked up some education from an amazing teacher. other photographers looking to build their businesses got their learn-on and at the end of the day we were treated to a stylized shoot. what a treat, indeed!! our theme for the afternoon was "beach-y" and boy, was it HOT! our model, justine serrano is gorgeous inside and out. this girl does not take a bad picture.

the glamor - hair and makeup was all handled by our stylist, jessica hale-fredrick.

needless to say, the afternoon flew by. everyone at the workshop gained some serious knowledge from kamee june. it was uplifting to see these photographers work with each other, learn from each other and network together. so inspiring! hope some of the pictures i snapped inspire you, too.

just a peek...

who says there's no beach in corona?

love this sunlight. it looks like butter.

a HUGE thank you to kamee june photography for allowing me to work with you. i am grateful for the opportunity to be mentored by someone with your talent and even more appreciative of your friendship.

jessica - can you make me look this good?? seriously,... your knack for beauty is awesome!

justine - you are a sweet, intelligent and beautiful young woman - so refreshing to be around. i really look forward to working with you again.

everyone who attended the workshop - did you have as much fun as i did?!?? i learned SO much and ran home to plug in my camera and check out my shots. thank you for letting me be a part of your day. i was enlightened by all of you and learned a little something from everyone. here's to watching your businesses grow! best of luck to all of you.

xoxo,aj

Pie in a Jar Thank You Gifts

2011-09-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

The Cake Dish: Pie in a Jar Thank You Gifts:

ok, seriously?? I am going home to make these tonight! these are absolutely adorable for teacher gifts, gifts for a sweet neighbor, baby shower gifts, mailman / UPS guy gifts - just about anyone for any time of year! slap some cute ribbon and color coordinate to your theme and there ya go! think of the endless possibilities you have with these treats.

found these while i was "pinning" this morning and suddenly had an urge to eat pie! ... in a jar. :)

this idea is compliments of http://thefrugalgirls.com who originally received it from jenn at the cake dish. (isn't it crazy how the domino effect is amplified on the web?? i love it. sometimes.)

my boy starts school this week and his teachers (miss jenn and miss karen, if you're reading this i apologize for spoiling your surprise) are going to receive these goodies.

happy labor day everyone! hope you are finding something fun and fantastic to do on this last day of summer.

xoxo, aj

Cousins

2011-08-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

cousins

we spent the day at my mother in law's house yesterday and it was so relaxing. my niece and nephew don't live far from her and as soon as they got out of school they joined us. the heat drove my people straight into the pool. i know they were thankful for a refreshing splash together. i enjoyed watching them having fun with their cousins. it got me thinking about my own cousins and our relationship. as i watched my little people splash and play with their cousins in the pool, i thought about how grateful i am that they are going to know their cousins. both my niece and nephew have been a part of my kids' lives since before they were even born. my niece's birthday is one day before my daughter's birthday. all the kids play so well together. it's good, clean honest fun with genuine belly laughs. i get a big smile on my face watching them.

i love feet. they are cute. and no one ever has the same exact pair.

they giggle. they tell jokes. they look out for each other. they help each other. they give hugs and kisses to each other. they genuinely love each other and love being with each other. that makes me so happy.

unfortunately my cousins and i lived in completely different states growing up. with my father in the military we bounced from coast to coast. we did not have the opportunity to grow up "with" our cousins. i used to be envious of the kids who had these huge extended families. they would roll their eyes when telling me about another family gathering with 20+ people there. i used to want that. thankfully, we are continuing to nurture the relationships with my cousins and get to know them as young adults. we tease and beg them to move closer. they are very special. i know if we had lived closer to them growing up that we would have had a relationship much like my kids do with their cousins.

helping her learn to hull-a-hoop

ice cream is a right of passage, for sure and a summertime must-have!

i look forward to the summer time when i know we'll get to see my niece and nephew more often. have them over to swim or spend the night. my kids really look forward to this too. it's important for kiddos to know their family. know who loves them. and later in life, when things get tough my hope is that they turn to their family when they need strength. all of that starts now, building those relationships when they are young.

my niece, growing up so fast

my nephew, the ladies are going to love those eyes one day!

there is another reason for me being so emotional about this. i am recently a "new" auntie. our newest addition - my niece - is coming to cali tomorrow. my youngest brother and his wife are moving back to the west coast with their brand new baby. i could not be more excited!! almost like a kid at christmas. not only do i get to have my little brother and his amazing wife living closer but we also get to spend quality time with their new baby. one more cousin for kiddos to play with. to get to know. to laugh with. to make memories with. this is what it's all about for me.

Sisters: Sydney and Alex

2011-08-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

"hey,... i've got a favor to ask of you." my friend, kim says while i am over visiting her one afternoon.
"what's up?" i ask.
"will you take sydney's senior pictures?"
i looked up at her in disbelief. you want ME to take your daughter's senior high school portraits??? really??
"YES!" i jumped at the opportunity.
"of course i'd love to get pictures with both of my girls." she smiled at me.
"not a problem. i can't wait!! let's pick a date." and so we did.

a couple weeks later kim, sydney, alex and i met up to do some pictures of them. we planned out where the pictures would be taken and what they would wear. it was really fun to do this with them. on the day of the shoot i had my trusty "wing man" sandra with me. i love having her around. she has a calming spirit and i love to hear her view and opinions on what we are shooting.

now let me back up a little bit. my friend kim is one of the first people i met when my husband and i moved to corona. the stars were aligned just right because she and i were meant to be friends. the moment i met kim, there was an instant connection. she has a warm heart and very giving spirit. through kim, i have gotten to know her two amazing daughters: sydney and alex. these girls are good. they babysit my little people and i genuinely enjoy being around them both. when they were younger, they looked so much alike that i would have sworn they were twins. honestly, sometimes i had a hard time telling who was who. but in these last few years somethings have changed. each girl is coming into her own and becoming their own woman; very much so.

alex is the younger sister; a junior in high school and she is an artist.

alex has a spirit much like her mother's. she loves color and i've seen her with a paintbrush in her hands more times than i can count. one night some of the ladies were visiting at kim's house and alex joined us. she set up her easel and canvas and began to paint. it was awesome to watch her talent create something extraordinary.

alex's decorating style is eclectic. she has drawings covering almost every wall in her bedroom. and many of her favorite quotes are strewn on those walls as well. i love that she knows exactly who she is and what her passion is at such a young age. i envy that a little bit because at her age, i was still searching.

alex, keep that passion alive. nurture it. you are a budding young artist. i hope you find a college that encourages you to blossom into the artiste i know you will become. i'm excited to watch where your talent takes you.

sydney just started her senior year of high school. YIKES! time has flown by watching her grow into such an intelligent and beautiful young lady.

sydney

sydney is quiet, intellectual, spiritual and loyal to her friends and family. she is also very simple. this girl does not get excited about the idea of putting on a pretty dress and getting all gussied up. but she was a good sport and did it for us anyway.

give this girl her jeans and a pair of converse and she is happy. isn't she a pretty scholar? look at those books. i know her brain is bubbling over with all that knowledge.

sydney, i love that you play a weekly game of monopoly with 4 of your closest friends.

i love that you are a vintage soul who collects antiques and old vinyl records. all teasing aside, i know your sister and your mom adore you. how could they not? you are easy to adore. this last year of high school is going to go by so quickly. i know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will. my wish for you is that you soak up every minute. have as much fun as possible and of course, get good grades. :) this is the beginning of the end to a chapter for you and the next chapter - college life - is a whole new adventure.

sisters playing "dress up"
growing up, i had always wished for a sister. i got 2 crazy brothers and used to dress the youngest one up like a girl - remember that, brian? - but if i had a sister, i would've wanted our relationship to be as solid as sydney and alex's is.

sydney, kim , and alex

the fact that these girls have their heads on straight is due largely in part to their awesome, kim and their mellow dad, tim. you both have a done an amazing job of raising these two girls into amazing young women. they give me hope for our future and my little people's future. they are a bright light.

good luck girls!!

Applique All The Way! [I sound like a cheerleader in high school]

2011-08-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

for those of you who know me , you know that i LOVE to make and receive homemade gifts. i love making goodies for people and watching them open those gifts. i love making things for my children and seeing them wear it.

last year when i went part-time at work i started making even more gifts for my friends and family. like many of you know our life goes in cycles. right now i am in the "mommy cycle" so most of my friends are having babies, have just had babies or our kiddos play together.
do you remember the last post with sadie's lemonade stand? i made her shirt with the number 1 on it. (if you were here, you'd see my big proud grin)
to be honest, all those birthday parties and baby showers get crazy and expensive. that's when i decided a homemade and heartfelt gift was the way i wanted to go.... hence learning to applique.

this cute tie applied to a onesie is the perfect gift for a baby boy

with a lot of trial and error and some research on the internet, i taught myself how to make appliques. you can applique any design. you can put them on onesies, t-shirts, bibs, aprons - on just about anything. i made a few (ok, A LOT) and learned as i went. now that i've done it so many times, i finally have a system in place and my work flows pretty easily. check it out and try one for yourself.

here are the items you will need to make your own applique:

- design or letter of your choice (simpler is better)

- pencil or pen for tracing

- iron

- fusible webbing (i use wonder under)

- cute cotton fabric

- t shirt, onesie or whatever items you want to applique onto

- thread

- scissors

**note: i wash, dry and lightly iron each piece of fabric and garment before i start this process.

set your iron to medium/high with no steam. iron the fusible webbing to the fabric you have chosen for this project. i use only the amount i need for the design to conserve my supplies. only rest your iron on the fusible webbing/fabric for about 8-10 seconds. and be careful not to slide the iron.

the fusible webbing bonds to the fabric

once you've selected a design, trace it onto the webbing-side of the paper that you have bonded to the fabric. cut out your design. ** this is the old school way of doing things. if you have a cri-cut die cut machine or a silhouette, this part will be much easier for you.

select your design. trace onto wonder under-backed fabric and cut out.

when you have completely cut out your design, peel away the backing layer of the fusible webbing. your fabric should have a distinctive texture on the back of it. place your design wherever you like it on your clothing item- bonded side down. with the iron still set at medium/high and no steam, place the iron on top of the design for 8-10 seconds. lift the iron and repeat - set the iron on the remaining portion of the design for another 8-10 seconds. again, be careful not to slide the iron or your design may move and become wrinkled.

iron set to medium/high and NO steam

the fusible webbing has bonded your design to the clothing item. however, if you're looking for a little bit a stronger hold you can sew around the edges of the design. i like to do this because that way i am confident the design won't peel off when i wash it and it looks super cute with some colorful stitching.

you can stitch by hand - the sloppier, the better sometimes - or use a sewing machine.

stitch around your design

i use my grandmother's old sewing machine. i took it to a local vacuum cleaner and sewing machine repair place. the guy was great and gave it a tune-up at a decent price. when using the sewing machine, you can use a straight stitch or a zig zag stitch. either one is cute. if you're asking for my opinion, i prefer the straight stitch because it's easier to do and the finished product looks "cleaner." additionally, be careful that your clothing doesn't get all bunched up and you wind up sewing the front of the shirt to the back of the shirt.

yes, my name is amanda and i have done this.

see how the shirt is pulled up so that i'm only sewing on one layer.

go around all sides of your design. when finished, snip your threads and there you go! wrap up your homemade goodies in a cute bag with a big bow. your friends will love them and you will feel good knowing you've made something from the heart for those whom you love.

let me know if you try this; i'd love to hear how it goes!

if you're not the martha stewart-type, then shoot me an email and i'd be happy to sew one of these beauties up for you at a very reasonable price!

just a few little goodies i'm working on right now

Would YouBuy Pink Lemonade From This Cutie?

2011-07-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

my girlfriend and i were working together a couple of weeks ago when she turned to me and said "my baby turns one and i need a theme for her birthday party."

my first question was "what are the colors are you using for the party?"

"i don't know" she says "maybe pink and yellow."

"how about Pink Lemonade?" i ask.

and there began the theme for sadie's first birthday party.

would you buy pink lemonade from this cutie?

i sure would. isn't she delicious?

she is as cute as she is sweet.

sadie turns 1!

her mommy and i started coming up with all kinds of ideas for her party.

of course, we would need some thematic pictures to go with it.

sadie's mommy got to work making her lemonade stand. i cranked up the ole' sewing machine and crafted her a personalized onesie to wear.

last but not least, we had to have lemons - lots and lots of lemons!

she is SO big!

my wingman sandra captured this one

bubbles!!

sadie turns one in august. she is a beautiful baby with

that dark hair and china-doll skin.

so soft and cuddly. i know she feels how much she is loved.

i hope she knows how much fun we had that day in the lemon grove taking her picture.

she let us mess around with her for quite a while before she made a stink about it.

this was such a fun project for me. not only did i get to hang out with my girlfriend, but i got to hang out with 2 girlfriends and love on a really tasty little baby.

sadie - thank you for being such a willing party in our crazy idea. you were a great subject for me to practice on.

lauren - thank you for coming out to hang with me and my people and for letting me "practice" on your yummy baby girl.

vanessa - thanks for being a super bubble blower :)

sandra - as always, thank you for being a RAD wingman; you rock. some of the images you caught were incredible!

Like My Mother Does ....

2011-07-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

i was driving in to work the other night and heard this song come on the radio. the emotions that came over me were intense. i almost had to pull over to the side of the road. the lyrics are every bit the way i feel about my own mother. the lines in the road became blurry; i had to slow down and wipe the tears that had begun to stream down my cheeks. i started laughing at myself and immediately thought: "i need to get this song for my mom!"

my mother is strong, loving, warm, opinionated, fun and we are so much alike sometimes that "it's scary." my mother is one of my best friends. she has taught me so much about who i am and continues to show me what kind of woman i aspire to be. i am incredibly grateful for the relationship we have.

mom - i love you. i cherish what you and i have built. i hope to nurture this same type of relationship with my own daughter. you are an amazing woman. you make me laugh. you "get me." you put up with me when i am grumpy. and i feel empowered knowing that you support my hopes, my dreams and everything i do. thank you.

I am thankful for good neighbor-ship

2011-07-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

my husband and i moved into our house about 8 years ago. we were newly married - only a couple of weeks - and were the only house on the block without children. that has since changed and a lot of the kiddos that used to be oh-so-small, are now oh-so-tall. we have been blessed with wonderful neighbors. someone up above was watching out for us when we made the decision to move into this neighborhood. good neighbors can make all the difference in how much you enjoy where you live. we enjoy where we live. very much.

this is sammie. sammie is getting ready to start high school in the fall. her mom is not only my neighbor, but i consider her a good friend. we'll call it a "neighbor-ship." it goes far beyond borrowing a cup of sugar. sammie, her mom and sisters help with babysitting my little people and we often have dinner at each other's homes. sammie, in particular picks up our mail and feeds our furry critters whenever we go out of town. when i saw sammie dressed up for her "promotion" from middle school to high school, i thought her mom would like some nice pictures to remember this special event. (and maybe i'd like to get some practice with my new camera and photoshop. so here's what we came up....

sammie is a swimmer. she swims 6 days a week on a local team. i predict she will be on the varsity swim team in high school and letter very quickly. she is strong - inside and out. this girl is good. she has a kind heart and a great head on her shoulders. i'm confident this comes from having a strong mother and 2 amazing big sisters as role models.

i remember how anxious i was to start high school: a new routine, new classes, meeting new friends, new experiences. not to mention i felt like i was officially growing up when i could tell someone i was a freshman. it was a title-thing, i guess. sammie is officially growing up. before she knows it she'll be picking out a prom dress and standing in line at the dmv for her driving permit. this is an exciting time. i wish sammie success in her next chapter. i am grateful to have had the opportunity to watch her develop into the secure and beautiful woman i know she is going to become.

potty training & the pacificier

2011-07-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

my daughter is 2 1/2 years old. she is sassy; independent yet very loving and sweet. (gee, i wonder where she gets that from?) she is growing up so fast. sometimes, i swear she has grown another 2 inches overnight. this summer has brought some changes for her. she is now sleeping in her toddler bed - she actually stays asleep in it all night and doesn't get out. [that's HUGE, people!] additionally, she is potty training in preparation for preschool next year. unfortunately, she is still attached to her pacifier - aka: nee-nee. whenever i start to have anxiety about her being attached to her nee-nee, my mother reminds me not to worry and that she won't be taking her nee-nee to prom. right? right. right?? i hope not. even though i know she won't have that thing in her mouth when she takes her drivers ed. classes, i still get anxious when another mom makes a comment: "oh, YOU let her have THAT??" or "oh, I NEVER let my child have a pacifier." whatever. this does not make me a horrible mother.
alas, i thought this summer would be a good time to take-on the process of potty training. she seemed interested in the big girl potty, so why not? of course we need to make this experience a fun one; we have potty parties,do potty dances, and make up silly potty songs too.
we began the process of potty training at the end of may. with the warm weather, i figured she would enjoy running around the house in her undies or simply nothing at all and this might help make for an easier transition to using the potty. we made a chart complete with princess stickers and hello kitty stamps for each time she took care of her business. i was pleased with her progress and encouraged her along the way, offering goodies: candy, books, etc - whatever it takes to get the job done.
fast forward to this morning. my daughter wakes up in such a happy mood. "good morning" she sings with the pacifier in her mouth. "i love you, momma" she says as she stretches her little arms up to give me a hug. "hi baby" I smile down at her. "did you sleep good?" I ask. She shakes her sleepy head, yes. "Let's go potty." I tell her. so she runs into my bathroom and proceeds to take care of her business - with the nee-nee still clenched in her teeth. i can tell she is still waking up because she just sits on the potty staring off into outer space. every once in a while she lets out a soft yawn.
i make myself busy brushing my teeth and straightening up the bed sheets. "momma, look!! i go pee pee!!" she exclaims, jumping off the toilet. this time she takes the nee-nee out of her mouth and uses it to point down at her business, as if to emphasize her achievement. immediately i give lots of praise. we shake our booty and do a little potty dance then laugh [anything to make it fun, remember?] "come on, let's flush it down" i tell her. she pops the pacifier back into her mouth and we proceed to wave to the pee pee as it swirls around and around the porcelain bowl. "Buh-Bye Pee Pee!!" she squeals and before either of us can do anything the
nee-nee slips from between her lips, lands in the swirling toilet bowl and gets sucked down into the abyss.
it's quiet for a moment. the only sound is of the water running to refill the toilet bowl. but nothing is in the bowl. no more pee pee. and no more nee-nee. my daughter looks up at me with huge eyes. her mouth still hangs open in disbelief. then it happens. her bottom lip starts to quiver and i can see the corners of her mouth turning down. i, too am standing there with my mouth open but i start to laugh and place my hand over my smile. in between giggles, i try to be sympathetic. "what happened?" i ask her. "did your nee-nee go buh-bye too?" she shakes her head, yes while still staring down at the empty toilet bowl. "it's ok, honey. don't be sad." i tell her,still giggling and laughing. i try to think of a way to soothe my daughter but i have to admit, this is funny as all heck! so how can i make it funny to her? more importantly, a thought flashes into my head: how can i get her to "accidentally" flush the rest of those darn nee-nees down the toilet so we can be done with all of them??

day one

2011-07-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

well i did it. i have been talking with my husband and thinking about starting a blog. today is the day i finally did it. we shall see where this adventure takes us.

a day in the life of amanda jane is simply a place for me to ramble on about my thoughts, opinions, feelings, loves and maybe things i don't love so much. :)
this is also a place to share pictures and fun things my family and i are doing in our life everyday. photography has become a huge part of my life and i express myself through my photos and other crazy projects as well, so you will see a lot of that on here too.

my name amanda. my friends blessed with the nickname "amanda jane" a few years back and it stuck - even though "jane" is not actually my middle name. i am a stay at home mom of 2 young children and wife to an incredibly patient and loving man. i am lucky enough to have the opportunity to work part-time outside of the home and am in the process of sharpening my photography skills while being mentored by a friend and incredible photographer.

things that i love: my kids & my husband (that is a given.) my family. good friends who are on my "a team." my camera. feeling loved. peanut butter. making someone laugh. watching someone open a present that i have given to them. baking cookies. exercise - i love to get my sweat-on and get the tension out of my body and craziness out of my mind. i love a good purse. i love a friend who knows me inside & out and still loves me unconditionally. i love to be sarcastic and dry. frozen yogurt from golden spoon. a good book that i can discuss with a friend who has also read it. feeling accomplished. i love to learn something new. but most of all i love to be good at whatever it is i do.

what do you love?

i would love it if you would come along on this journey with me. i am taking it one day at a time and am enjoying every moment. sometimes i feel like these moments are slipping through my fingers like "sand through an hourglass" (as one of my good friends says [hi kamee!] and i want to be able to savor every bit of that sand. i thought a blog might be a good way to do that.

alright. enjoy your day. i am. it's a great "day one" and cheers to many more to come!